When the Universe Conspires Against You

The universe can’t always work in your favor.

Sometimes it conspires against you.

Sometimes nothing will work out.

Is that okay? Will you accept that?

I used to think that having a sense of control was supposed to be my priority. But now I try to go with the flow a bit more. It’s easier that way so I don’t have to struggle for my self-worth. I can live. I can exist. I can be myself.

I am on this app called Huddle and I frequent the Stress & Anxiety page. I look for people who want advice. It’s incredible to see how overactive our minds can be. A lot of people comment that “they can’t do it anymore” or that “they are tired of doing X for so long.” There is a lot of pain and suffering.

I can’t save them all, of course. But I can talk to a few. Offer my advice as to how to look at a situation differently and hope that they will take something to heart. A few times people don’t watch my videos but support it anyways; it annoys me a little bit, and I love it. What does that imply about me? People can choose to take in information however they want and express themselves however they want too.

It’s been a good ride so far for #HalfTheStory too, though it’s harder to get stories. I already am asking my network for so much that it is hard to get anything across. Maybe what I can do is start to model that method of sharing with people more; to get them to see by example that it isn’t so scary to submit a story and to share it with the world. Maybe I can get them to feel a little bit of what it’s like to be free of holding onto a secret. Of feeling alone and like you have no hope.

I write these blogs with the hope that people are reading, but I write them for myself as well. No matter what happens there will be adversity that comes my way; it’s my attitude that helps me decide how I react to them. Will I put up walls and refuse to let help come in? Or will I accept that I’ve been hurt already and reach out for help? That is the choice that ultimately I have to make, even if I don’t feel prepared to make it immediately.

Yesterday I had several items on my mind. I spent the snow day figuring out what exactly was bouncing around in my head and whether I wanted to address it with a task or admit that it was bothering me because I was trying to control. It turns out a fair number of stuff I was simply trying to control; some I didn’t actually want to do; and others were tasks that did need a lot of attention. I’ve done a lot of wonder for my anxiety level as a result; that’s why I encourage writing and journaling as a form of self-therapy because on some level only I can understand myself the best.

As for the direction that this blog will take, I don’t know, and I love it. It doesn’t matter if there are certain goals or metrics that my old ego would have want to hit. It’s more of a matter that I keep this up because I have faith that what I write will mean something to someone. Too long have I thought that what I say doesn’t matter; it makes me judge others for what they are worth, too. If I matter then it suddenly becomes easier for other people to matter as well. If I can love myself then it suddenly becomes easier to love others too. If I feel like I belong then I can see others as belonging as well.

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