I don’t want to write this. I don’t want to say what I’m going to say because every fear-based fiber in my body is telling me that it’s stupid. Telling me that you shouldn’t go out and announce to the world that you aren’t fully aligned with the law, because “someone” might see.
It’s time to stop hiding and to admit that I’m not fully aligned with the law. It’s not the work hours. It’s not about the emails. It’s about a heart-based response that knows me and about knowing that it is more important to learn how to color outside of the lines instead of telling people that they can’t do that. To stop playing it small and to admit that there are parts of me that ache against the legal practice of law.
To say that I am fully satisfied with anything in life is lying. And it’s usually done out of fear. I have been raised to make other people happy and not to make others happy. I do things because I think they are safe, or they will be me some sort of prestige. This may be another “I woke up one day and realized” kind of piece, and I love that. But I’m no longer afraid. I am more afraid of lying to myself.
Lying to myself has gotten me very far but it hasn’t gotten me to the place I want to be and the journey I want to go on. I’ve been so attached to the outcome and less about enjoying who I am in the present moment. But that is not to say that I am to blame, or that anyone else is to blame, because it’s more about understanding that the world exists around you and the universe moves around you whether you like it or not. But it can be a wonderful space of love and belonging if you let it.
What you want to be in life is a manifestation of your ego and sometimes the ego can be the enemy. It can ask too much, make you do things that you’re not proud of, and it can sabotage you. It wants to protect you because it wants to protect itself. When you start letting go of the ego and letting it be hurt and exposed to the elements, it may whine and cry and try to run back inside but it’s more of letting yourself FEEL the things you WANT to feel and less about doing or achieving. It’s more about being than anything else, I believe.
We are so afraid of the death of our old selves and identities, even if they make us miserable all the time. This isn’t a new idea but I’ve heard it most recently from Kyle Cease, and I love that. What identities we are so attached to that we can’t even see the limitless potential that is inside of ourselves that is still waiting to come out and give to the world? Why do we praise others for their vulnerability and authenticity when we know that we ourselves are, simply by existing in this world, being vulnerable and authentic whenever we choose to live our truth? Any thought that comes into my head is one that I accept and love because it is my truth. There’s no denying the truth. The truth of what you are feeling. The experiences that may have “happened” to you.
You are always changing and capable of improving day by day. You are never the person you were before. Think about how exciting that is. You are already someone else simply by reading through this writing and taking in (or not taking in) whatever has been said. Sometimes we try to strive so hard for change and we think we can force it, but if we sit and wait for those feelings to come up (and they will), and stay with the tension just a little bit longer, we realize deep truths about ourselves that have been with us for the same time.
I love writing. I’ve always thought that when I write, I feel powerful. It comes as a shock to me that other people don’t love writing that much, and I love that. And it comes as a shock to my ego that some people love writing even more. One of the things I’ve really appreciated, and has helped me become closer to people, is to love everything and to do what I want. This isn’t a matter of destruction or hurting others or exploiting them, it is about living my own truth and as a result hopefully giving others the space to live their own truths.
And I think if I could do that more and more in my life, that would be a great success.