When the Universe Conspires Against You


Evolving Out Loud / Friday, March 23rd, 2018

The universe can’t always work in your favor.

Sometimes it conspires against you.

Sometimes nothing will work out.

Is that okay? Will you accept that?

I used to think that having a sense of control was supposed to be my priority. But now I try to go with the flow a bit more. It’s easier that way so I don’t have to struggle for my self-worth. I can live. I can exist. I can be myself.

I am on this app called Huddle and I frequent the Stress & Anxiety page. I look for people who want advice. It’s incredible to see how overactive our minds can be. A lot of people comment that “they can’t do it anymore” or that “they are tired of doing X for so long.” There is a lot of pain and suffering.

I can’t save them all, of course. But I can talk to a few. Offer my advice as to how to look at a situation differently and hope that they will take something to heart. A few times people don’t watch my videos but support it anyways; it annoys me a little bit, and I love it. What does that imply about me? People can choose to take in information however they want and express themselves however they want too.

It’s been a good ride so far for #HalfTheStory too, though it’s harder to get stories. I already am asking my network for so much that it is hard to get anything across. Maybe what I can do is start to model that method of sharing with people more; to get them to see by example that it isn’t so scary to submit a story and to share it with the world. Maybe I can get them to feel a little bit of what it’s like to be free of holding onto a secret. Of feeling alone and like you have no hope.

I write these blogs with the hope that people are reading, but I write them for myself as well. No matter what happens there will be adversity that comes my way; it’s my attitude that helps me decide how I react to them. Will I put up walls and refuse to let help come in? Or will I accept that I’ve been hurt already and reach out for help? That is the choice that ultimately I have to make, even if I don’t feel prepared to make it immediately.

Yesterday I had several items on my mind. I spent the snow day figuring out what exactly was bouncing around in my head and whether I wanted to address it with a task or admit that it was bothering me because I was trying to control. It turns out a fair number of stuff I was simply trying to control; some I didn’t actually want to do; and others were tasks that did need a lot of attention. I’ve done a lot of wonder for my anxiety level as a result; that’s why I encourage writing and journaling as a form of self-therapy because on some level only I can understand myself the best.

As for the direction that this blog will take, I don’t know, and I love it. It doesn’t matter if there are certain goals or metrics that my old ego would have want to hit. It’s more of a matter that I keep this up because I have faith that what I write will mean something to someone. Too long have I thought that what I say doesn’t matter; it makes me judge others for what they are worth, too. If I matter then it suddenly becomes easier for other people to matter as well. If I can love myself then it suddenly becomes easier to love others too. If I feel like I belong then I can see others as belonging as well.

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