Where I’m Supposed to Be

It’s weird not writing to a daily audience anymore, but I think that this will make me discover something about myself after I do it for some time. Sometimes I can give advice and help someone and not even know it, though I like it more when they tell me that I’ve helped them. It’s a natural human tendency to want to be useful and relevant in someone else’s life; that how I imagine how our ancestors decided who got to stay in the group versus out of it.

The past two mornings I’ve awaken and found it hard to get up. Whether it is from something stressful I’ve worked on in the evenings or something that happened during the early mornings, but I’ve gotten up feeling sweaty and uncomfortable about the day ahead. I’ve noticed that these early morning emotions dissipate after I get out of bed and begin my day, but that they can get worse if the first thing I do is to check my email or hit snooze on my alarm. I can’t help but think that some sort of seasonal depression is behind it, though as my friend Margot observed, perhaps it is normal to have your feelings change as they do.

I’m not sure why I write, but I think it’s to put all my feelings down on a page so they are a little less jumbled than in my head. Too often people don’t take the time or are afraid to confront who they really are, in that present moment. I think it has to do with feeling like the bad feelings will be here forever, and the good feelings all too transient. But I think being in the moment, the true moment, there is no bad or good.

The phrase that I repeat to myself quietly is “you are exactly in the place you are supposed to be” whenever I feel that profound sense of impatience or fear creeping in.

Whenever it is raining and cold, and I shiver because I can’t wear sweatpants into the office, I say to myself, “I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be.”

Whenever I am frustrated about my professional goals not going a certain way, I repeat to myself, “I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be,” and then I feel less hard on myself, less out of control, and more empowered to accept that some times take more time.

But I think it works the other way too.

Whenever someone turns from good to bad, when I get a little flash of insight that I know I can use for the rest of my life, I don’t shy away from how quickly it happened, how easy or natural it was. I simply say to myself, “I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be.”

I find it significant that “where” has the word “here” embedded in it. And I find it significant that this phrase has carried me through moments of tension with supervisors; through wanting to have something that I could not possibly get; with dealing with mental stress; with getting up from bed in the morning and laying my head down at night. Too often we want to be somewhere else, instead of comfortable in our minds, hearts, and bodies. Too often we feel like we are not enough, that we must be hustling for something, that we are not smart enough, that we have still too much to do, instead of saying that we are right where we are supposed to be.

I am as committed as the next person to get things done. I don’t mean this mindset to say that all the time I will be sitting on the couch eating potato chips (though, I have done that when I’ve wanted to, and the end results were wonderful, truly). There is a letting go that happens when I allow myself to flow from place to place, as opposed to trying to harangue, force, or berate myself into becoming or going or having what I am not. There is a forgiveness that I can give myself; a forgiveness that I wasn’t able to provide in my old identity as an “Achiever.”

If you put advice out there in the universe and no one is there to hear it, is it still advice? I believe it is. A lot of times we talk about what in our own hearts we want to work on the most, whether or not we realize or want to admit it. It’s having the awareness and self-love to speak those important truths anyways that contributes to our peace of mind.

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